So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
soo... how was my night?
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