the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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