Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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