I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
