Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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