I have demons in me.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
