Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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