you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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