I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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