Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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