hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
