I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
