She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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