new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
