Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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