I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
