i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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