Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
