This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
