My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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