I need to stop coming to work sober
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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