Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
