Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
