You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
