You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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