How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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