Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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