she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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