we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
