I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
