Midget sex pt 2 tonight
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
