Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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