Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
