So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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