I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
