when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize