Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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