Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
