i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
