cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
