Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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