Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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