im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
