Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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