Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
