Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
