he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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