Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
