Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
