I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
