I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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