The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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