OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
