mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
