I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
