I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
