Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
