i need an iv and a liver transplant
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
